Smear campaigns and flying monkeys – here’s how you win against the narcissist in your life

This Article was written by Sally Olewe - Richards whom I have had the privilege to get to know.

“Anyone that has had the unfortunate experience of dealing with a narcissist will know that once they realize they can no longer control you, they will try to control how others see you”

In fact, the smear campaign usually begins in a covert manner, long before you may even become aware of it. It’s a deliberate strategy to create doubt over your credibility and character, so if you do speak out about the abuse you’re experiencing, you’re less likely to be believed.

Even when we know we’re in an abusive relationship, it often feels hard to emotionally break free, referred to as a trauma bond. We may only realise we have been dealing with someone displaying traits of narcissism by desperately searching to understand their behaviour patterns on the internet or, as in my case, when a friend recommended I read an Elephant Journal article, about the classic empath/narcissist dynamic.

Empaths and narcissists are essentially two sides of the same coin, with subconscious childhood wounds very often at their core. However, whereas those who have grown to have a more empathetic nature want to nurture and save everyone, those who instead became narcissistic leave a trail of destruction behind them, choosing to hurt and abuse others.

A narcissist has a deep sense of entitlement and cannot take responsibility for their own lives, because it would mean admitting fault and their fragile egos simply cannot cope with that idea. Underneath the bravado, they are deeply wounded souls, who never experience true happiness and will do their utmost to ensure those they feel have wronged them – usually by walking away from their chaos – suffer as well.

One of the things that makes healing so much harder is the inevitable smear campaign that follows a break-up with a narcissist. This is usually deployed when their best hoovering attempts are no longer working and their victim has resolved to free themselves. It is highly common for them to claim that their victim is mentally ill, a liar, attention seeker, the real abuser or similar. This is done to not only devalue and humiliate the victim but to sow the seeds of doubt, so that when they try to cry out for help, no one believes them.

A narcissist fears exposure and people they have ‘groomed’ seeing the ugly underneath their carefully crafted facade, so if they feel threatened, they will go on the attack. These tactics will likely be used if we begin to speak out about the abuse we’ve suffered at their hands, which may be physical, emotional, sexual or financial. As people begin to slowly understand more about domestic abuse and how these scenarios play out, it is more widely understood that an abuser’s main driving force is to have power and control over their victim. Indeed, anyone who has had the unfortunate experience of dealing with a narcissist will know that once they realise they can no longer control you, they will try and control how others see you.

What can be particularly upsetting about this type of post-separation abuse, is the recruitment of ‘‘flying monkeys’  by the narcissist to join in with the bullying and ridicule of the victim. The term, well known in narcissistic abuse recovery communities, refers to the disturbing flying monkeys used by the Wicked Witch of the West in the Wizard of Oz. Due to the witch using them to do her evil bidding, the term is now used to refer to people who end up doing the dirty work of a narcissist. Flying monkeys may be other narcissistic individuals, gaining a sense of power and pleasure from hurting others, but very often they are simply people the narcissist has manipulated and gaslit into disbelieving their victim.

When we escape the abuser and begin to speak out about our experiences, it is sadly very common to become a victim of the classic, post-separation abuse smear campaign. These may be conducted in person, but in the age of social media, this is often the narcissist’s weapon of choice – hoping for maximum impact with minimum effort, like all cowardly keyboard warriors. These smear campaigns may go on for years, even decades, because we only exist in relation to them in a narcissist’s mind. Even when they have become completely irrelevant to you, they will cling on for dear life to try and assert some sense of control over you and your life – it’s incredibly sad and such a waste of our one precious life.

However, for victims it can be a very painful experience and I know how it feels to be attacked and smeared, reading lies and vitriol designed to try and humiliate and discredit me. Initially when this happened to me many years ago, due to my fragility as I processed and started trying to recover from the affects of years of abuse, when friends alerted me to the things that had been written about me so publicly, I felt my anxiety going through the roof. This was made so much worse because people that didn’t even know me had commented and joined in the ridicule. It is incredibly painful to be the victim of abuse and then suffer that added injustice.

Even if a victim has secretly been hiding the psychological and physical abuse they’ve endured behind closed doors, we are often terrified of our abusers publicly showing we mean nothing to them. Certainly for myself, at that time, this was my deepest fear, because if that happened then everyone would know the truth – that I wasn’t worth loving.

But here’s the thing, after an hour or so of feeling the panic and humiliation devouring me, I had a moment of clarity. Here I was, humiliated, but still standing.

Once a narcissist has embarked on a public smear campaign, they have very often played their ace card. Certainly for myself, there was no way I could continue the relationship, but more than that I had nothing left to fear, because my worst fear was realised and I’d survived. I felt a sense of relief wash over me and realised they’d actually done me a massive favour – unwittingly giving me my power back and setting me free.

And as for the flying monkeys?

As painful as it feels to endure that injustice, we need to keep perspective, especially when they are victims of the narcissist’s web of lies and deceit themselves. If they were aware of the countless times we may have been physically and emotionally abused, they probably wouldn’t be laughing. If they did know, I imagine they’d be sorry for their comments – they’d probably feel shame and regret.

So, how do you handle the emotional impact of smear campaigns and flying monkeys?

As best you can, you ignore it.

I found that learning meditation and mindfulness helped immensely. I naturally began to ground myself and feel a sense of calmness and clarity. Even if we still then have to deal with the narcissist, it becomes much easier to practice what Ross Rosenberg has coined ‘observe don’t absorb’, so that we can emotionally detachment from purposefully manipulative and toxic people.

Cutting off the attention supply we give to a narcissist is like Dorothy throwing a bucket of water over the Wicked Witch of the West – they lose their power and simply start to melt away into irrelevance.

Try to transform a situation like this into your own empowerment by allowing it to set you free from their grasp, finally.

As Glinda The Good Witch tells Dorothy, “You had the power all along my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself”.

Most importantly, don’t internalise the lies – stand in your truth.

Focus on what you can control in your life and let the rest go.

Accept the apology you may never get from the flying monkeys, if they really knew the truth.

Give yourself the gift of peace, because you deserve to finally be free and happy.

This is how you win against the narcissist, because happiness truly is the greatest revenge.

Narcissism and Abuse is NOT gender specific!